I have posted a lot about excitement and nerves, but I have not posted about the stress of surrogacy, and trust me there is a lot of stress to go around.
While I do not regret doing this for a second I also did not know how much stress I would put on myself. Stress for each doctors appointment hoping my levels are right, or my lining is thick enough, then stress of something that I could do might mess up the transfer, the worrying about if my beta (hcg) numbers were high enough.
Then there was the ultrasound. I know the parents wanted two babies. How could they not? So I was hoping and praying and wishing that there would be two in there. I convinced myself that there had to be two. Then there was one.
Don't get me wrong I am so excited that there is a healthy baby with a healthy heartbeat growing inside of me for the parents. I am ecstatic for them.
But in a way I feel like failed them. I feel like I let them down by only one of the embryos sticking.
Everything was textbook, I did everything exactly by doctors orders never missing a pill or a shot. Yet I am sitting here wondering if there was anything I could have done differently.
The funny thing is I never once stressed so much in either of my pregnancies. I just know that so much is riding on this being a healthy baby, and I want to make sure that they get a perfect healthy child.
I know calm down you shouldn't be stressing while you are pregnant and I am working on that I have been working on relaxation techniques and have even been doing some progressive relaxation and guided imagery (when I can get the apartment quiet enough to do it).
Surrogacy is a bit harder than I thought it would be. I never never been this sick in my life. I am so tired of having to give myself shots. But I just keep telling myself it is all for J&S. The look on their face when they first see their baby, and helping them become a family is my end goal!